The Unexplainable

By Dale White

My wife Marilyn and I lost our son of 42 years last weekend.

It is a parent’s worst nightmare. The loss of a child to suicide. We hear about it, read about it but never in a million years imagine it would happen to us.

But it did.

We sit shocked and stunned days later wracked in pain, huddling with our daughter, Rowen—Ryan’s twin sister--and grandson, Oren. We find comfort in the tremendous outpouring of sympathy, condolences, support from everyone in our community and communities where we have lived. Many messages have a similar theme. I cannot imagine how you must feel, I am so sorry, I do not have the words to convey……All of this effort is truly appreciated and is immensely helpful in our healing journey.

Indeed, we ask ourselves the same questions over and over again. Why? What drove him to take his own life? We had no warning signs. Ryan was sometimes moody and had his share of personal issues--but nothing that was said or done was so unusual that lead us to believe that such a devastating event could ever take place.

Yet sometime late last week, (we don’t know the exact time) Ryan decided he no longer wanted to live anymore.

We write this for several reasons.

First, to get the word out about our loss. Through word of mouth and Facebook, many in our community and elsewhere know of our loss and what happened. Our daughter Rowen and Grandson Oren have posted messages. We are very frank about the cause of death. We don’t believe there is any reason to hide the truth. Suicide in many respects is the last taboo. But it is real and maybe we can start a conversation about it and issues of mental health that will help others amidst our grief.

We also want to thank all of those who have reached out to us. We get a steady stream of messages comforting us and, most importantly, remembering Ryan. We don’t believe he really knew how many lives he touched in his life and how much he was loved--friends of his from his youth in Colorado, his college friends, work colleagues from Connecticut and the list continues by the many appreciated comments.

Ryan had many accomplishments in his life. Many people don’t know but in college in Colorado he co-founded the “Fighting Whites” group in the early 2000s to bring national attention to anti-Indian sports mascots. He even appeared on the NBC Today Show. He also was instrumental in helping a local Akwesasne business build and open one of the first cannabis dispensaries. He was CEO and spokesperson for the company and gave many interviews on Watertown Channel 7. We are very proud of his accomplishments.

Finally, we need to say out loud that ours is a grief like no other--more than any loss, even unexpected loss, of a loved one. Because of its nature and inherent complications of each layer of death by suicide, it goes much deeper. If Ryan had died in a car accident or by a physical illness, we would obviously be sitting here also wracked in pain and sorrow. But we wouldn’t be plagued with the thousand thoughts and questions. Why, why, why? What was it what drove him off the edge? Were we somehow at fault? What could we have done? What did we not see or not acknowledge that that we saw? The questions go on and on--an endless cycle in our minds.

In the end, we will survive. And we will celebrate Ryan’s life in a soon to be announced event. But we need you to understand that we will be carrying the grief of trying to understand why our beloved son’s life ended the way it did and how much we love him and will miss him.

We likely will never know. And that is hard to live with.

(Donations may be made directly to the Akwesasne Suicide Prevention Coalition (ASPC) at the Saint Regis Mohawk Tribe Mental Health Services, 404 State Route 37, Akwesasne, NY 13655, Phone: (518) 358-3141), Website: https://www.srmt-nsn.gov/medical.clinic)