Lies I've told my kids

We all do it, or I hope we all do because if not then I’m the biggest, meanest, liar ever. In the beginning of motherhood I would have never dreamed of telling a single fib to my kids. But when big brother was around three I realized redirecting him with some random statement or story would distract him from having a meltdown or fighting me the whole way. Then it was like an acceptable snowball effect and new ones just flew out my mouth in high pressure situations. So here is my list, if Santa reads it, I would for sure get run over by a reindeer.

1) Sorry but there are no kid shows on after 8 during the week, That’s the latest kids are supposed to stay up. 

2) If you don’t wear your rain boots not only are you going to get your sneakers and socks wet, you’ll end up with jungle rot!

3) No we can’t go to Walmart. Yeah I know it’s 24 hours but today the moms needed a break so it’s CLOSED. 

4) “The tooth fairy must be loaded!” (my response after kid finds $10). Truth is mommy forgot to get change so all she had was a ten!

5) If you don’t really brush your teeth good the dentist is going to just pull your teeth out.

6) No you can’t ask the dentist to pull all your teeth out at once because you want to get $100, it doesn’t work that way. Classic example of lie backfiring!

7) I’m going to call tota girl if you don’t stop talking back! (oh the empty threat)

8) “Santa said you have to listen to me and daddy because you are seven now and he has to focus on the babies and less fortunate children. And since we have to shop for you we’re going to for little brother too.” (the longest running lie is the Santa one which I’m certain will come back to haunt me!) 

9) “If you don’t stop running around the Walmart workers are going to scoop you and you’ll have to work here.” Big brother with eyes as big as saucers said, “Oh no, and they’re open 24 hours a day so I won’t get to sleep or play!” Little Brother doesn’t care yet.

10) When our dog was stolen I told big brother that he ran off to marry his girlfriend and have puppies. He missed him but wasn’t sad because everyone grows up.

11) “Cars stall out if the kids’ seat belts become unbuckled.” this lasted a month before big brother saw me without my seatbelt on and yelled, “aha you lie! You don’t have your seatbelt on and we’re still driving!” Busted! Now every time we get in a car and we ask if he has his seatbelt on he replies,  “DO YOU?”

12) “If you kill a Spider it will rain” imagine my surprise when the boys were hunting spiders because they wanted to play in water  mud!

13) “If you skip school and you aren’t sick the absent student police come knock on your door and take the school skipper to school and make him stay after.” Big brother has perfect attendance for the last 4 months, except that day he missed the bus due to me. 

14) “The next time we go shopping and at checkout you forget your money at home we will not buy you your toy.” Guess who caved in and has been conned three times in a row now? 

15) “Sure, boys can paint their nails, just shake this nail polish and when you can’t hear the bead moving in there anymore, it’s ready.” I actually stole this one from a childhood friend and grew up to use the lie on my kids.