Cultural Corner

Traditional teachings on the family: parenting, birth, marriage and family violence as told by Jake Thomas, noted historian, educator and cultural/traditional expert. Mr. Thomas was a condoled Cayuga Roiane (Chief) from Six Nations.

We continue his series on the family with family violence.

FAMILY VIOLENCE

Why does family violence appear in the home of native people today? There are many reasons why family violence has surfaced among native people:

1) We have abandoned our way of belief. Children are not told about the good or the evil things, in which a child must know while he or she is growing up and what will happen if a child does not listen to the tradi­tional teachings: How to behave. Many homes where children come from are never told because the parents don’t know how to rear their children.

Children have their own way and the parents go along with it even as far as being very defensive if someone would try to tell their children -parents take offense.

2) Our weakness among native people is that most homes do not have elders. The elders are in a home for the aged: The grandmothers and grandfathers are the teachers; they have the knowledge and experience how to bring up children the right way. We lost the respect of our elders. These people, we need in our homes so the children will have someone to relate to.

3) The reason that Iroquois people do not believe in our Great Law and the Code of Handsome Lake teachings: Our laws and the code are too strict for some people. And it is too boring to be good in this world we live in today. It is so easy to do the wrong things.

4) Also the people do not practice what they preach to their children.

We must set an example of ourselves so that the children will follow the instructions given.

5) Many years ago the elders were respected. Today children are not taught to respect their grandmothers and grandfathers. We have to relearn how to have respect. First, we must respect ourselves and our bodies before we can love and respect someone else.

6) When people get old, the elders are placed in a home for the aged and the children are left in day-care centers. Therefore there is no communi­cation there any more for the children and their grandparents. The grandparents are the teachers in which children are taught about respect, appreciation, native values, culture and language.

7) Today, children seem to grow up on their own because the parents don’t spent enough time with their family. The children only have the television to watch every night. Parents should have control of their children, when and what they are watching on television.

8) There is also a problem that parents do not train their children to learn to make different kinds of arts and crafts - just to keep them out of mischief and to know a trade.

9) Parents with families should also teach their children their belief – the Iroquois creation story and the Code of Handsome Lake and what happens to a child or teenager if they refuse to obey. A young person should also know that people have limitations and what he or she can and cannot do. If a person ever goes over the limit then he or she may end up in prison.

Problems such as drinking alcohol, doing drugs or not knowing what he or she has done. He or she may have murdered someone then he or she will end up in that kind of hell for life - prison becomes an example of hell on earth.

10) At the present time traditional native elders often get requests from inmates for elders to visit them and speak about native culture – native spirituality and values. That is the time native inmates in prison or jails want to hear about the traditional teachings so it will give them hope and guidance for the future.

11) Native children and teenagers should know the teachings before it is too late and not wait to think about these teachings when they’re in trouble.

12) Native people should not be allowed to purchase alcohol. Like in the olden days: If a native person was caught by the police for being intoxi­cated then he would be put in jail or else he would have to pay a fine.

In the year 1945 the Band Council brought this issue to the people of Six Nations to vote, “That native people be allowed in hotels and also to purchase alcohol at the brewery.” As a result many people voted in favor to lift the ban on alcohol. Native people can now purchase alcohol legally, to go the Liquor Store or to the Hotels. At that time, the elders said, “Now our families are going to break up. And many families will suffer: The women will be abused and the children will be neglected.”

13) The traditional native elders of the longhouse were right when they warned their people not to vote in this referendum. Now we live with these problems. Supposing today, if the reserve were to go dry, we would be better off.

14) When I was a teenager we had a curfew:’ I had to be home at ten o’clock at night if I went away. And the Police knew that as well, even in the village and towns. If a child or teenager was around in town after ten o’clock the Police would take him home. The parents were told not to allow their child or teenager to be in town after ten o’clock at night unless the parents were with him or her.

15) Native people have to relearn how to discipline their families in our native ways. In the days of Anne Marie Arod Shimony’s research, she wrote a book entitled “Conservatism among the Iroquois at Six Nations,” and I quote,

“School is now mandatory for all children, so that on the whole there is little difference between the formal education of the longhouse child and the Christian child. However, all teachers agree that the longhouse children are more disciplined in behaviour and that they attend docilely, even though they are frequently uninterested in the curriculum, and dispute the prejudices among their orthodox parents against learning to read and write. “

16) In our teachings of the old culture and beliefs of the Iroquois people it says some people have a habit of going around (visiting) among neighbours gossiping. This was wrong when a person (gossiper) hears that there is a newborn child in the neighbourhood then she goes there to see the child. When the person (gossiper) sees the newly born, she spreads the news among her neighbours saying that the child she saw whatever, a male or female, say that there is no resemblance between his or her father and that it is not his or her father at all. Then when the married couple hears about this, the husband becomes angry and violent and begins to beat up his wife. As a result this caused violence between them and it was all because of gossip. It also eventually caused the couple to split up.

17) Another problem arising in a family is when a young girl marries:

The newlyweds may get along for a while then all of sudden there is trouble and they both will go their separate ways and go back to their parents with their problems. Then the parents begin to take sides and this makes things worse, A young married couple should never take their problems to their parents or relatives, But usually this is what happens, parents interfere without knowing what the real problem is, it takes only two people to solve their problem by themselves and no one else.

When they first met they liked one another - no one else was involved in their affair. That is why the parents shouldn’t get involved. Instead they should investigate the problem and try to speak to both of them about the problem. The parents cannot mend their problems, only console them.

18) Another matter that should be understood by the young people today is that marriage is not an easy task. Love is caring and is responsibility for each other. When a couple comes together the elders often said in the olden days that you don’t meet and get married right away without knowing one another. At least the young people should court one another for two or three years before thinking about marriage. Because if they they did get married without knowing and understanding the other first then that’s when the problems occur. Because they did not know their ways or sometimes a man likes alcohol or maybe this man is only a drifter (who goes from one woman to another) or maybe he never wants to settle down. Then the girl finds herself in a problem-way. Because she allowed him to consummate their relationship without thinking first then she is burdened with a child almost half of her life. After all the man was only looking for sexual intercourse and once he has it he moves to his next victim because of this mismatched relationship violence is always the end result.

19) Because our traditions and customs of the native people have been forgotten, we often wonder why we have these kinds of problems of violence among native families. We must also look back in the days when the Europeans came to North America and they brought these spirits of alcohol. Our people liked it and some became habitual drinkers, not realiz­ing what damage it would do to native people, both men and women who started to consume alcohol. It affected our people many older people warned the men and women about drinking the toxic substance. A woman and a man may meet somewhere and start courting, and they may have a desire for sex and the woman will conceive and become pregnant, through drinking. And the woman also continues to drink alcohol during her pregnancy. The child in the womb is already consuming alcohol as it goes through the baby’s system inside the mother. When it’s born the child desires alcohol because that is the way he/she was trained during the mother’s pregnancy. Now these days we wonder why our young people are that way, and sometimes-young people can be influenced by the ones that are born from an alcoholic mother. But only if parents would tell their children of the good and also evil things and explain to them, using examples of what happened to others that has ended up in jails or prisons.

20) Family violence is caused by not having an understanding before a young couple comes together. They have to both agree on the rules which a woman can live by in order to be happy during their marriage.

If a man drinks and he wants to marry the girl then the girl sets certain rules. If the man wants to settle down with her, then the girl may say this to the man. If you promise to quit drinking forever then we can get married, and if whenever it may happen that you break your promise then that will end our marriage because if we have children I will not tolerate your drinking. The children will suffer.”

The children will learn from this bad habit. Also the children will starve because all the money

will go for drinking.

21) Another important matter should be discussed before marriage or even before living together: If they have different beliefs. If the woman is a Christian or if a man is a Christian, or if either one may belong to longhouse belief then either one should not try to convert the other or insist to change their belief. If children come then a couple should not impose their beliefs on them. When the children grow up they should make their own choice as to what they want to believe in, whether it’s longhouse or the church. This is the reason why some young people say today it’s my mother’s or father’s fault that I was baptized. I believe that I have the right to choose what I want to believe in. So this is why it should be left up to the children to decide for themselves.

22) Elders often remind us to be aware of the sins on earth that every young person should know and that there are limitations for each individual:

It is sinful to consume (1) alcohol, to practice (2) witchcraft, to practice (3) love potion, and (4) abortion. These are the major sins if a person did not confess and repent before his/her death. Elders often mention what it tells us in the Code of Handsome Lake that you will eventually suffer the consequences if you go over your limitation. A person who is guided by Satan or the evil spirit will eventually see the evil spirit. There will be a second time and when the third time comes then the person is in the hands of the evil spirit forever. And if this happens then there is no return.

23) We are also told that when that happens a person may go over their limit and the Four Messengers who watch over us all the time who are sometimes referred to as the Celestial Beings, they will abandon that person and his/her mind will be lead astray. Every individual must always try to reform and confess to the Creator for their wrongdoing and then he may forgive him/her. The Great Law also provided us with an understanding about our way of life and the Code of Handsome Lake tells us how we should conduct our behavior.

24) In our way of belief we are told through the teachings that the Master of Life, the Great Spirit, is watching every individual whatever they do from day to day. People may hide from one another’s wrong doings but we must not forget that the Creator is watching us whatever we do on earth: We must always be honest with one another and to have love and peace among ourselves because we do not know when we will need one another some day. Life is too short and we cannot afford to waste our lives on wrongdoings by hurting one another’s feelings.

J. Thomas.