The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander

Where there are children, there are bullies. In our neighborhood, in our school and maybe in our home

Bullies use fear to get away with unacceptable behavior. Their victims (the bullied) fear continued abuse if they tell. Bystanders fear becoming the next victim. The “bullied” suffer in silence while repeatedly getting harassed. Bystanders stay silent to avoid the unwanted attention. It’s a vicious unending cycle.

Bullies come in all sizes, ages and genders. The tactics they use vary .Some get physical. Others play on emotions. Boys often use force (punching, kicking, and tripping) but increasingly these tactics are used by girls. Girls also rely on subtle actions (gossip, manipulation, exclusion)

Other characteristics include:

Bullies are impulsive

Bullies have little, if any, empathy

Bullies do not suffer from low- self -esteem

Bullies need to control and dominate others

Bullies have a positive attitude toward aggression

Bullies have more physical or emotional power than their victims

Bullies have a strong desire to get or achieve something they feel they need

The Victim

Bullies like to pick on those who can’t or won’t stick up for themselves.

Unfortunately, many victims lack the social skills and social network that can keep them from being victimized. As parents, you can help bully-proof your child by doing the following:

• Teach your teen to be a friend

There is strength in numbers. Encourage your teen to develop friendship. If he or she has a special interest-sports, music, dance, or find programs that your teen can participate in. The more social interaction he or she has, the more friendships that can develop. Your teen will also become better skilled at dealing with a variety of personalities and handling different social interactions.

• Build your teen’s social skills

Humor can be a powerful weapon for disarming a bully. The ability to laugh at oneself first, rather than laughing at someone else’s expense, is a skill everyone needs. Teach your teen friendship skills including getting along with others and showing appreciation. The bottom line for your teen: He or she has to act like a friend to have a friend.

• Teach your teen self-respect Kids who can hold their heads high and walk with confidence are less likely to be singled out. Some victims actually believe they deserve to be attacked because of a self-perceived flaw in how they look, the way they talk, how they dress or it could be any number of reasons. They start acting like victims. They become withdrawn. They slouch and avoid contact.

You need to remind your teen of his or her strengths. Encourage your teen to use positive self- talk during difficult moments. Help him or her see challenges as opportunities.

The bystander

It can be very hard for a teen to take a stand and defend someone who is being bullied, especially if the victim is considered to be a “loser” or weird”. Has your teen ever described a bullying situation, and have you ever asked what he or she did to stop it?

Some bystanders are too afraid to get involved. They don’t want to be a target. Some experience feeling of guilt because they did nothing. If a victim is a friend or classmate some bystanders choose to disassociate themselves from the victim. Others blame the victim.

As a parent, it’s important to teach and reinforce virtues such as caring and respect. Here are things you can do to instill these values in teen:

Model respect and kindness at home. If you and your spouse are considerate and

compassionate to each other and your family, your child will likely treat others the same

way.

Show respect for those in authority, including teachers and police offices.

Have positive expectations for your child’s behavior. Praise your child’s acts of kindness and

discipline him or her for bad behavior.

Encourage your teen to volunteer in the community. This will give your teen a sense of

obligation to others.

Bulling is a difficult problem that only gets worse when it’s ignored. Victims and bystanders can’t be expected to resolve the issue all on their own. Talk to school administrators to find out how they and dealing with the problem. If necessary you or a representative from the school should contract the parents of bullies and make them aware of their children’s behavior.

Pretending the problem doesn’t exist won’t make it go away. Everyone must correct the behavior when it happens and be proactive in trying to prevent bulling.

Brought to you by the Wholistic Health and Wellness program 613-575-2341 ex.3100